#DEARPAMELA: How Can I Stop My Peri-Menopausal Rage??

Every single week, I receive so many cries for help from women of all ages. Some are struggling with their symptoms of the peri-menopause or menopause. Some are doing battle with crazy PMT. Some are pregnant and feeling petrified about giving birth. And some are battling excess weight that just won’t go, toxic relationships they just can’t shake off, and challenges in their lives they need a helping hand with.

That’s why I’ve started a #DEARPAMELA feature which will help you tackle any problems you might be facing in a holistic, natural, and most of all friendly way. It doesn’t matter whether you are pregnant, menopausal or nowhere near either. I aim to give you the answers you need.

This week we’ll be talking to Clare* who is really struggling with the rage she’s feeling towards her loved ones, and desperately wants help before it’s too late. Let’s see what she has to say:

“Hi Pamela, I’m a mother to a wonderful 7-year old boy who I had at the age of 42. He’s been really driving me mad lately- over the last few months I’ve yelled more at him than I have at any time before. I don’t know if it’s him or me. I only fear that by yelling and yelling I’ve caused him so much trauma. I’m feeling guilty, devastated and very fearful. I feel horrible and cry a lot. My periods stopped over a year ago, so I’m certain that it’s the menopause. I’ve upped my anxiety meds and I’ve made a doctor’s appointment already, but I want to know what else I can do, before I really do some damage to the both of us. It’s an uncontrollable rage that I can’t always stop. Help!”

Getting to Know Your Problem

Hi Clare, thanks for getting in touch. I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been struggling like that- it sounds like things have been very difficult for you lately. Don’t worry- we’ll soon get to the root of your problem and get you feeling calm, in control and most of all, confident about your moods and emotions.

1)    What is happening for your son right now?

Are your sure that the problem is really your hormones, your mood and that rage you’re battling? Or could it actually be your son? Children go through behavioural changes at different ages, depending on where they are developmentally and what is happening for them at school or at home. What’s going on for your son? Could there be anything that you don’t know about? Could it be worth talking to him to find out?  Don’t forget that his behaviour isn’t your fault, even if you think you’re being too harsh with him, so please stop blaming yourself.

2)    What strategies have you used with your son in the past? Have they worked?

I want you to mentally run through a typical scenario with your son. What usually happens? Do you have strategies that usually help you with your son? Do they still work now?

When my daughter Nicole was younger, I had a handful of gentle strategies that I could use to gently guide her behaviour in a positive way. When she ‘misbehaved’ I could automatically fall back on these techniques without allowing my own frustration or anger to get in the way. Do you have anything like this that you could try?

 3)    Could you both get some support?

You don’t mention in your question whether you have a partner around to help you with your son. If so, make sure you share your feelings and frustrations and don’t be afraid to ask for support with childcare or with everything you’re going through. It really is vital that you have some loving support during the difficult times in your life, especially the menopause. Do you have a support network? Don’t be afraid to ask friends, family or even your son’s school for help.

How To Overcome Your Menopausal Rage

I’d love to share with you some effective ways you can take control of your rage, feel calmer and more in control, and improve your energy levels, mood, and overall experience of the menopause. Here they are:

#1: Move away from blame

From everything you’ve said, it sounds like you’re blaming yourself and you’re beginning to feel afraid of what the future might be. Of course you are- you love your son deeply and want to give him the very best.

But how helpful is it to be blaming yourself? Does it change anything? Blame simply makes you feel even worse, which puts you into a more negative ‘headspace’, piling yet more stress upon what is already there, making you feel terrible and making you even more likely to blow up at your son when you don’t mean to.

#2: Use the Traffic Light System to Help Control Your Reactions

I use a system in my practice called the ‘Traffic Light System’ which helps you to stop reacting from a place of emotion and act more logically- this could be a perfect tool for you.

It allows you to stop and ask yourself vital questions that can then influence your behaviour. We all ask ourselves questions every day, such as ‘It’s cold outside. Shall I wear this coat? These shoes?’ ‘What should I eat for breakfast?’ and so on. Whilst we do this on a conscious level, we often don’t pay it much attention.

Here’s how you do it:

RED: Stop!! Ask yourself the question- ‘What’s happening here? What are my choices? What is best to do now?

AMBER: Wait for the answer.

GREEN: Go! Act upon your decision.

#3: Focus on Your Diet

What you put into your body plays a huge part in how you feel, especially around the years of the peri-menopause and menopause, so it’s vital you pay attention to what you are eating.

If we allow ourselves to get too hungry or don’t get the nutrients our bodies need, we don’t operate as we should, our mood declines and our energy levels sink, which leaves us more irritable, more likely to lash out at those around us, and disrupts our overall hormone balance too.

So clean up your diet by ditching the junk, reducing your intake of caffeine, processed sugars, and alcohol, and increase your consumption of fresh produce and ‘real’ foods.

#4: Be Kind to Yourself

I can’t stress this enough- it really isn’t your fault you feel like this, or are battling these emotions. So start being kinder to yourself by practicing self-care. Take a lovely warm relaxing bath, go out into nature, indulge in your favourite hobby or take up a new one you’re always fancied trying or even curl up with a great book and a cup of herbal tea!

Put all of these things into action and you’ll have a holistic plan that won’t just stop you snapping at your son and feeling that menopausal rage- it will also help you get back to your old self, increase your energy levels and feel in control again. Best of luck Clare*, and please let me know how you get on.

If you have a burning question about the menopause, peri-menopause, childbirth or anything else and you’d like me to answer next time, please get in touch by sending me an email or messaging me via Facebook.

*Not her real name